How to Honour the Newly Departed

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Sometime two weeks ago, I found out my step brother committed suicide in an apparent mental health episode. Even though I hadn’t seen him in years, we’d always had plans to meet up at some point when he was back in Toronto.

Those of you who have followed my work for a while will know that parental contact isn’t really my cup of tea, for a variety of reasons; but there was never any bad blood between myself and my step brother. I always thought of him fondly, and when we were in each others’ lives more frequently – back when our parents got married – we bonded over shared observations on family life. You all know I love my white Gucci sneakers, and Ryan is actually the reason I decided to ever give white shoes a try.

Weirdly, he was on my mind a lot the week before he died. I checked on his social media to see how he was doing, and it had all been deleted. I found that strange but didn’t really think anything of it. I really wish I had reached out when he was on my mind. It’s a mistake I won’t make again, and let it be a reminder to all of you who are reading, to reach out to people when you think of them.

I had a concussion when I found out, and it’s strange to be mourning a tragic and sudden loss – wondering what happened, what went wrong, what I could have done to help, to prevent it – so I wasn’t technically supposed to be ‘thinking.’ I got my morning coffee and ugly cried in nearby parks, furiously breaking my doctor’s instructions to stay off my phone, as I scoured the internet for news reports.

I knew I had to spring into action, in the way that I know how. Despite whatever drama with my family, I felt it was and is important to honour my step brother Ryan to the best of my ability. Spiritual stuff is, as y’all know, what I do, so I got to work.

I’ll use this experience to share some of my practices and ideas with you, for how you can honour someone who is recently passed, especially due to mental health struggles, as their spirits need extra help to find their way and heal beyond the veil.

When someone we care about dies, it can be hard to jump into action to really do much of anything, especially if we were really close. That being said, engaging with our spirituality in these rough moments can help us to process our loss, to make meaning of the moment, and give the satisfaction of feeling useful.

In addition to this, it’s such serious and sad moments like this that witchcraft, magic, and spiritual practice is ultimately made for. Yes, we can do fun magical workings for jobs, for love, for whatever – but the spirits of those who have passed benefit immensely when we use our energy work skills, our magic, and our prayer, to help ensure their safe and peaceful transition.

So, here are some tips I have for how to honour the recently departed – whether this is a loved one of yours, someone you knew at one point in your life, or a cherished role model. Some of my suggestions may make more sense for some contexts than others, and I’m writing with a family context in mind.

Tip 1: Reach out for help. Ask others to send good energy through prayer, energy work, magic, the lighting of candles – whatever feels good to you in your belief system.

Before I was able to light a candle and pray for my step brother – while I was still in shock from the news – I put out a call and asked others who share my beliefs to light candles to guide his path, and to pray.

Many people did this, and for that I am so grateful: they started the spiritual work of easing his transition before I myself had the emotional capacity and energy to do so. They lit candles, and even asked their deceased loved ones to help guide him. This really touched my heart, and I know every little bit helps the spirits.

This helps both us and the departed feel less alone, and like part of a collective, if not a community.

Tip 2: Do your own commemoration. Light a candle and pray, do a small ritual or spell, create a memory altar devoted to their memory, get a tattoo.

For myself, I’ve been lighting tealight candles in a white lantern for my step brother. When the tealights burn out, I replace it with another one, and light it. I’ve been doing this since he passed. It’s felt like the right thing to do – and I hope the lantern candle lights his path as he moves into the next world. Usually, in my spiritual work I use huge glass jar candles, not tealights – but there’s something symbolic and simple about this tealight lantern for his passing specifically, that feels meaningful and right to me.

You might choose to do something else – write all your thoughts and feelings on a piece of paper, shred it up, and throw it into the wind over the ocean, bury it, or burn it. Every ritual will be unique and personal. Allow yourself to be intuitive, and try not to question what comes up for you. Follow the vibe and see it through.

Tip 3: Send healing, peaceful vibes to the departed.

Whether this is through simple thoughts in your head, deep prayer, intentional energy work, or even a little diary you write to them every day, every little bit counts and helps the spirit on its journey. Death seems like a rough transition – and this is especially true when a death is sudden, unexpected, or the result of mental health challenges. The least we can do is offer the dead some energy – vibes, prayers, intentions, whatever way you want to phrase it – to help them find peace and stillness.

Of course, I have so much more to say, and so many more suggestions – but I’ll leave it there for now.  

Much love – I hope this was helpful. And if you feel moved to light a candle for my step brother, Ryan, to ease his journey, I would sincerely appreciate it.