Am I Bad for Wanting More?

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It was Guccigate 2021, and the haters were coming for me. And they were coming fast – and damn, there was a lot of them.

What was my sin? I posted a photo of myself in Gucci sneakers. I wanted more – I got more – and I dared to say it out loud, in public. Oops!

To be honest, I can understand why they were mad at me. After all, I got my start as a tarot reader and spiritual teacher in fringe, outspoken and defiant communities of queers*, activists, environmentalists and social justice warriors. I photocopied zines on magic and sold them for $5, gave others away for free. I wore ripped jeans, band t-shirts, and incredibly uncomfortable thrifted shoes. (*Psst, before you get mad at me, I, too, am a queer.)

I learned a lot from these communities, and they likely felt so comfortable because the narratives these spaces preached and propagated echoed some of the faulty conditioning I received as a child. Though I ran into these spaces in the hope of finding an alternative to my abusive and dysfunctional family, I found more of the same – slogans meant to cut people down, to stop them from growing, to stop them from striving.

“Eat the rich” is a common refrain in these spaces – I’ve seen people gleefully repost images of guillotines, suggesting that anyone with money should be killed.

It was morally superior to be broke, to be struggling, to have dirty and broken things. Combine that with a childhood where I slept on a broken bed for years (the metal slats, snapped in multiple places, were supported by piles of books); my dad had me write an explanatory letter – complete with spreadsheet – about why I deserved a new, functional bed. As a kid. So I really didn’t realize how twisted these activist attitudes were – they echoed and felt like the only ‘home’ I had ever known: a home where my inherent worthiness was never affirmed or acknowledged.

It’s only when I broke up with activist and queer communities that I started to un-brainwash myself. In my late twenties, I realized that I didn’t want to struggle forever – that, actually, there wasn’t anything inherently more moral about being stressed about money, about living with the bare minimum, about pinching pennies. And yet, my whole life I had been told – both by family and by these community spaces – that ‘more’ was not possible for me – asking for ‘more’ meant greed, meant I was being arrogant, too big for my britches, stepping over and above my rightful place at the bottom of the barrel.

I recognized this as just a silly trauma story I needed to punch in the face.

I’m not a violent person, obviously – but I do think that freeing ourselves from these toxic narratives involves decisive and sometimes aggressive action.

I decided to start playing with the idea – in my mind, not out loud – that not all rich people were evil.

I had met a lot of very cruel and abusive poor people – and a lot of very kind and generous poor people. Wouldn’t the same be true for people with money? Couldn’t it be true that not all money is made unethically?

I thought about my own experiences selling my art, selling tarot readings. I received money for those services, and couldn’t figure out how anyone could frame either of those things as unethical. Someone wanted my art or a reading, they paid me, I do the thing! Who loses? How is that evil? Can’t I just do more of that? Everyone wins! No one’s evil!

I started to feel at peace with the idea that I could make more money and still be a moral, good, and honest person. I had so many narratives keeping me back, keeping me small. I didn’t even realize they were there – and had been – for years.

As I rewired my brain – slowly but surely, as many of these ideas were SO uncomfortable to question and let go of – I started to rewire my life.

I accepted and embraced the idea that wanting more – and getting it – didn’t make me a bad person, didn’t flip a switch somewhere inside me and turn me evil. I took the leap. I hustled. I wondered out loud. I imagined. I dreamed. I worked. I decided that in my life, it is completely okay to be happy and content with who I am and what I have, while also striving for more. I embraced the fire and committed to seeing what was on the other side of these bad and wrong beliefs.

So, during the first year of a global pandemic, I incorporated my business – a business that had been previously held together with hope, duct tape, and no real plan. In that first year, I rose above the poverty line, and had my first six figure year.

I was fucking ecstatic. I never knew such a thing was possible for me. Yet here it was, happening! And so, to celebrate, I bought the first fancy item of my entire life – white Gucci sneakers.

Celebrating myself is something I’ve had to learn how to do as an adult, as it never happened at home, in childhood – and, to be honest, it didn’t really happen in activist or queer communities, either. And it was that demographic, from that time in my life, that popped off with the hateration when I posted a picture of me in my shoes. I was called so many bad names I can’t even remember all of them. I blocked so many people. And it felt good to see ‘em go, once I acknowledged that first burst of pain.

And you know what? A lot of people have fallen off. Success can be lonely, at least at the start. A lot of folks do find comfort in misery and mediocrity – there’s so much more community there. Misery, as they say, loves company. When you’re surrounded by friends, family, and community that bases belonging on complaining about other people and about circumstances, when you start to do differently, you threaten your belonging in that group.

It ain’t just about the Gucci, friends. 

As someone who grew up in a bad way, these shoes represent so much to me. They represent self-sufficiency. They represent success, achievement. They represent an affirmation – to myself, for myself – of my own absolute inherent worthiness. They represent stepping into financial stability, for the first time in my entire life. They represent that it’s okay – it’s safe – to dream big, to want more, to ask for more, to wonder about more, and then to go and get it.

These shoes represent safety and peace.

These shoes represent that I am absolutely worthy of the absolute best.

These shoes represent the power of making a decision – of simply deciding to do something – and then doing it.

They represent groundedness, rootedness, a connection with the pulse and rhythm of the universe.

What I’ve discovered along this journey is that it doesn’t make you a bad person to want more.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t at peace now, or that you aren’t tuned in to the importance of gratitude. It doesn’t mean you’re evil. It doesn’t mean you aren’t happy now.

It just means you’re a creator.

To want more is to be in touch with the heartbeat of all that is – to be aware of your own creative and generative spark, that drives you to want to make manifest. To create. To shape.

We all have this creative spark, this fire of inspiration inside us.

Unfortunately, a lot of people – maybe our families, friends, communities, partners; maybe even you yourself, right now – are uncomfortable with this raw generative power of creation, of inspiration. It feels almost too big, too scary.

I think people are generally way more afraid of success than of failure.

Failure is comfortable, easy. Success – even if we’ve touched it before – is scary, even horrifying – especially if we think about it on a grand, global scale.

The first step to getting more, of expanding into your idea of whatever that is, whatever you dream of – is deciding it’s safe to dream in the first place.

It’s safe to bloom.

It’s safe to want more.

Personally, I’m not dissuaded by Guccigate. I know those haters and angry folks were just triggered, and they ain’t my people. They’re on their own journey, and that’s cool. Our journeys are just no longer compatible, and I won’t dim my dreams or my achievements to protect the comfort of other people.

As you expand into moreness, you may have your own Guccigate. I won’t lie to you. It could happen.

And in that moment, if it comes, you’ll have a choice:

Should I shrink and apologize, or do I take up more space and celebrate myself, find safety in myself?

The choice is, as always, yours.

Over the new year, I released a very new-to-me offering – a series of audio affirmations (with transcriptions!) I’m calling Claim Your Magic. Obviously taking action is crucial, but I know that I would never have been able to take the big, decisive, and sometimes risky and scary actions I did, if my mindset wasn’t being consciously reprogrammed with affirmations. How we talk to ourselves is so important, and has the power to change our lives.

Claim Your Magic will feature six affirmations total. Three are up right now, and the most recent one centers on the theme, “I Am Worthy of More. It Is Safe For Me To Dream Big.” I’ve gotten really good feedback so far on these affirmations, with one person even saying they were so moved they cried – so you know it’s the real deal.

Sign up for my Claim Your Magic affirmation series now for $97.